I knew that December was going to be pretty hard for me and I’ve been doing a fairly good job keeping my head up. I know, I know…it’s only the 6th and I’ve still got a long way to go to make it out with my sanity in tact but I know that it’s supposed to be hard. It’s an important part of the mourning process. I’ve been trying to embrace every stage of the grieving process because I know how important they are and that they will help me tremendously. I also know that it won’t pass by without a struggle.
I may have, however, overestimated my ability to stay mature during certain circumstances. I won’t lie and say that it’s not hard to watch all of the other women I was pregnant with at the same time progress so easily through the weeks. It is extremely hard and I find myself resentful and down right angry at times. It brings back my old feelings and thoughts of “it’s not fair” and “this should NEVER have happened to us”. Immature way to think, I know, but it is so easy to think that way when it is so true. The odds were so ridiculous that our baby would have Trisomy 18 it’s almost laughable until you remember that she did and she was taken from us so quickly. I mean really, do you think we would ever be lucky enough to have the odds in our favor to win the lottery? That answer, of course, is hell no.
When I have these episodes of immaturity I remind myself that it is not my fault…and it is most definitely not theirs. My sister, co-workers and many friends are doing so beautifully in their pregnancies and from the depths of my soul I am so utterly happy for them. I know it may not always seem like it on the outside because I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve, but I really truly am happy for them and pray for healthy babies for them every day. It is just hard to be looking forward to something month after month and then suddenly you can no longer look forward – you seem to only be stuck in the past.
I received another one of my free American Baby magazines yesterday in the mail and I realized I really hadn’t been paying very close attention to them. As I was flipping through it I found myself staring at a page that said “Special section just for you – 9 months. Next month – your baby at 1 month”. Talk about a slap in the face. I lost it. I cried. I threw a fit. I threw it on the ground and stomped away. Then I sat in the nursery that is stacked with random boxes from the move and stared at the bare walls. I let myself have my temper tantrum because I earned it. I realized that we should be meeting our baby in just 2 short weeks (if we hadn’t already) and I hadn’t allowed myself time to let that thought sink in.
I know that people around me think that I should just get over this – people lose babies everyday. To those people I say don’t you dare judge anyone on how they choose to deal with anything. People are different. They will treat situations, tragedies, ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING different from the person to their right or left. August to December is not long enough to truly grasp everything that has happened and will happen. Being over halfway through a pregnancy, watching your belly grow bigger every day, feeling your baby kick inside of you and then going through labor for a stillborn baby is one of the worst things someone can go through. I don’t think that people truly realize the gravity of it and they probably never will. It will take a long time to fully adjust to losing a baby and I will never truly “get over it”. To get over it would mean I have no soul. If you have no soul how can you open your heart and love those around you?
Allowing myself these moments are an important part of healing for me. I know myself and if I just pushed these thoughts to the farthest corners of my brain I know that one day they would bring themselves forward and I would be doomed. I have to acknowledge things to be able to get past them.
There is nothing more true than that.