Shut your mouth

My baby belly is getting bigger and with that comes two things. 1.  The positive comments start making an appearance such as “you look fabulous” or “look how much you are glowing!” which always make me feel warm and fuzzy and 2. Idiotic comments start flowing out of people’s mouths like verbal diarrhea. Seriously people, where are your filters?? I try so hard to remain pleasant and give the good ‘ol smile and nod when someone opens their mouth and pure gibberish spews out, but I do have a few moments where my inner sarcasm is called up to the plate. And yes, I am aware that I have a long way to go and there is probably no end to the moronic comments in sight… I’m just using it as an opportunity to perfect my smart ass responses. I’m feeling rather rowdy and sarcastic today so here are my top 5 favorite things you should never say to a pregnant woman.

1. “You look so tiny/huge!”

Seriously. That’s like me telling you that the pants you just bought do in fact give you more muffin top than the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Yes, I do realize that I don’t look like a bowling ball has invaded my midsection yet, but give it a few months. By then, not only will I have a giant belly but I will have a giant sweaty belly…along with giant sweaty arms, giants sweaty legs and giant sweaty cankles. I can’t wait. And no, I won’t eat another cookie because you think I’m not eating enough to grow a healthy baby.

2. “You’d better get as much sleep as you can now…”

Why, can I sleep a few extra hours now and cash that in when the baby gets here? No? You mean I can’t put those extra hours in some special sleep bank? Well shit. I guess it makes more sense to get used to a little less sleep then, doesn’t it?

3. “That’s just natures way of preparing you for a baby.”

So, you’re telling me that my husband snoring all night long (which sounds remarkably like a baby bird) or my dog jumping off the bed 50 times a night is just nature saying “Ha Ha, lady! You think you’re going to sleep tonight? Well the joke’s on you, we have to get you ready for that baby!”? Well, I must be a damn fool because if that’s the case nature has been preparing me for a baby for YEARS and I didn’t even know it!

4. “Don’t you know how that happens?”

You mean I didn’t get pregnant by swimming in a public pool???? I knew I shouldn’t have skipped that day in sex ed!

5. “You shouldn’t be doing so much at the gym, it’s bad for the baby.”

Well holy hell am I glad you told me! I mean, my midwife told me to keep doing yoga and walking because it’s good for the baby but I am so happy that you were here to set me straight! Who knew that some random know-it-all would have more actual knowledge of pregnancy than a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL!

And as an added bonus…one that particularly hits home for me…

“Haven’t you had that kid yet?”

Why no, you ignorant ass, I haven’t. If you are referring to my previous pregnancy, then I have a really special spot for you to go that I hear is quite lovely this time of year…

I’m sure there are so many others that I’m forgetting (or that I haven’t even heard yet) but these are currently a few of my favorite ones to hate. I know that people mean well and they are mostly just trying to make conversation, but it is so hard not to flick them in the nose and say “No! Bad!”. What other random comments have you received or heard that have left you with steam shooting from your ears?

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