As this pregnancy continues to progress so smoothly, I can’t help but feel the hurt from Deidre’s loss more and more. We look towards the future and celebrate passing milestones – no matter how ridiculous they might seem to some – yet I find myself dreaming about what life would be like if our first-born would still be with us today.
I can’t help but wonder if she would have enjoyed the sunshine and spring breeze on her beautiful tiny face, if she would giggled at her cousin Henry’s shenanigans, or if she would have been a cuddle bug like her other cousin Owen. Would she have taken after her papa and slept through almost anything or taken after me and not be able to sleep with any noise? I wish that I could see her so I could answer some of these questions, is that selfish of me?
I think that part of the reason why her loss seems to be on my mind so much now is because as I continue to grow and people notice my bump I get the inevitable question… Is this your first? I’m never quite sure how to answer this question. No, this baby is not our first, but do I say that and risk reliving the pain of telling Deidre’s story yet again? Do people even want to hear it? On the other hand, I feel as though I am not honoring her memory if I say that this pregnancy is our first just to avoid further questions and hurt. I don’t feel like I owe an explanation to anyone, yet I always find myself saying more than the listener probably wants to hear.
I also find myself getting very defensive when it comes to advice. I feel like people discount the fact that I was pregnant with her for over 5 months and have basically been pregnant for the past year. My body and mind are well aware of what it is like to be pregnant and the adjustments that need to be made to things like diet, rest and exercise. I have also been through labor, albeit a very unprepared labor, but labor none the less. Sean and I had no idea what to expect when I went in to labor with Deidre but with the help of the midwives, residents and nursing staff we were very well taken care of and we went with the flow. What else can you do in that situation? No, we did not go through the hospital birthing course and I think that we might have actually learned more being thrown into that situation than we would have otherwise. So, thank you for the advice – but it is not needed. We have been through this before and will handle it just fine this time as well.
I will be forever grateful for my parents and family who honor her memory and talk of her as one of their grandchildren or neices. I can’t describe how much pain I would feel if she were ignored and forgotten. Even as I type this, I have tears streaming down my face at the thought of someone not acknowledging her existence. Deidre is and will always be our first-born, our beautiful baby girl and even though she is not with us today we will always honor her in that way. It is not a simple thing to accept that your child has died, regardless of how old they were when they passed. What is simple? Taking the love you had for that child and pouring it into the memories you have of them and spreading it around to the rest of your loved ones. Love is simple, especially for something that was created with love.