What it means to me

I didn’t really realize what this Mother’s Day would mean to me or how I would react to it until the day was actually here. I, by no means, expected anything from anyone – most people don’t acknowledge an expectant mother as already being a mother. My wonderful husband and the “kids” left me a good morning note and a gift of a few movies and a baby book that we can enjoy as a family which was incredible of them. My eyes immediately filled with tears when I found that one of my very best friends had sent me the most simple text message bright and early that morning… “Happy Mother’s Day.” I took advantage of my day off by laying in bed reading for a little while after I woke up and was even more blown away when I received another text message from one of my best friends from high school wishing me the same thing. It was an amazing start to a Mother’s Day but I began to realize throughout the day what it was that this Mother’s Day was going to mean to me…

It meant that I was able to enjoy the excitement of being an expectant momma and watch how amazing the other mothers in my life are. From my mother and mother in law, to my grandmother, to my sister and my sister in law’s – I loved being able see how wonderful they are with their babies and feel my excitement build for the coming months. I loved being able to look down and see my belly bump around when laughter filled the room. I loved being able to feel the tiny kicks and hiccups that only I was aware of. I loved knowing that I am already an over protective momma of this tiny baby that is only going to get worse when it’s here.

It also meant that I felt intense pain when I thought about losing Deidre and that I should be one of the momma’s that was bouncing a beautiful 5 month old baby girl on my knee.  It meant that I felt guilty because I thought I should be sulking in the corner as I remembered of her loss instead of happily looking towards the future. It also meant that I felt intense anger thinking about her and replaying those horrible days and weeks in my head. Anger that people, even very close people to us, don’t recognize her or that we are parents already – that I am not just a soon-to-be momma, that I am already momma who gave birth to a daughter and is still suffering from losing her.

I started off the day by feeling complete bliss while our baby squirmed around in my tummy as I was surrounded by my loved ones. I ended the day by crawling into bed mentally and physically exhausted and feeling incredibly bitter towards life in general. I am by no means proud of my thoughts or think that they were fair by any stretch of the imagination, but I still honor them because it is a part of the healing process. Recovering from Deidre’s loss will always be a battle for us, and it will not be an easy one.

I am eternally grateful to those that have always acknowledged Deidre as a member of our family, those who continue to do so every day, and know in their hearts that Sean and I have been parents for quite a while now. Those that don’t even have to say her name, but let us know they are thinking of her with something as simple as a card with pictures of Sean and I last Mother’s Day when we were expecting Deidre and hadn’t told anyone yet. The ones that send me a message when I seem to need it the most saying they dreamed of her and she was precious with the deepest blue eyes. You are the ones that helped make this Mother’s Day special for me…from the bottom of my heart, Thank you.

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