…is apparently something that I need to work on. Remember this post when I laid out all of my thoughts on body image and positive thinking? Yeah, about that…
The past few days, I hate to admit, I have been really down on myself. Like, a lot. Like to the point I couldn’t bring myself to use a gift card at Target because I just kept hearing that evil little girl in my head snarking “don’t bother, it’s just gonna look like crap anyways” in it’s terribly annoying shrill witch of a voice. How is that possible? How can I not find anything at Target – the land of anything you could ever want – because of my negativity?
Part of my problem is stemming from my lack of wardrobe that currently fits. I have plenty of clothes, but not many clothes that fit me. I have an entire dresser drawer full of jeans, and I can wear 2 pairs. In fact, I got a little ballsy the other day and decided to try a pair I haven’t worn since I was pregnant the first time and then proceeded to pout and get all teary eyed when – surprise, surprise – they didn’t fit.
The second part is that pesky scale that stares me in the face every time I get in the shower. Of course, I have to stand on it. And of course, I stand on it, hold my breath and keep thinking “it has to be lower, there is no way it can’t be lower” and then angrily shove it back in its place when it comes back the same as it did the day before. Why won’t that damn number budge? I work out (admittedly, not as much as I could). I eat healthy (with the exception of a few indulgences here and there). Why. Won’t. That. Number. Drop??
I will say that when I look in the mirror, I am not critiquing myself anymore. I don’t notice the flaws that I used to. I actually notice a few things that I am pretty damn proud of. So, why am I so fixated on old clothes and some stupid number that refuses to change day-to-day?
That, my friends, is a mystery. I know that the clothes aren’t going to fit right when I try to put them on, but I do it anyways. I know that the scale isn’t going to change, but I continue to turn it on everyday anyways. Perhaps it’s the idea and anticipation that it might have changed. Maybe it’s jealousy after seeing many other pregnant women shrink back to their pre-pregnancy size so quickly after birth. Whatever the reason, I am most definitely a work in progress.
That being said, I am still happier with my body and my appearance now than I have been in the past. I will continue to eat healthy and exercise so I can maintain my healthy lifestyle. I will try to work on my negativity, but that is going to take some work. What can I say, I am my own worst enemy and the battle is in full swing.
I hope that if you are also fighting an internal battle, you find peace. It is the time of year for celebrating and families and friendship. Let’s try to push aside these struggles and soak in the magic of the season. Who knows, maybe that is what is needed to soothe the soul.