rollercoaster

I’d like to say that everything has peachy keen. That I have magically gotten over the loss of Deidre and feel nothing but happiness everyday. That would be lying. To be honest, life really is going pretty darn great. Amelia is basically the best baby we could have asked for – sleeps like a champ, eats like a rock star, barely fusses and has a way of making my day 100% better just by seeing her big ol’ toothless smile. Of course, I still think about my first-born everyday…but it is usually something that comes from a positive place.  A happy thought of her watching down on us, playing with our loved ones that have left this world for a better one. Life, however, just has a way of turning your world upside down when you least expect it.

There will always be situations – or triggers – that stir up emotions from the deepest part of you. A place that you thought was so buried and controlled that it would never see the light of day again. Then something happens. You see something, think of something, hear something…and it all comes rushing through the flood gate. That happened to me, in a situation that I had no control of, and it brought back every single tear that I have shed and emotion I have felt from the moment we found out we were losing our baby girl. It was unexpected, it was unavoidable and it was one of the single most terrible things I hope to ever see in my life, aside from my personal experience with the loss of a child.

This situation brought up every single thought that ran through my mind when I gave birth to Deidre. Her tiny little perfect hands, her cute little button nose that looks exactly like Amelia’s, her itty bitty little legs. Was I selfish to see her? Was I selfish to not want to hold her? Why the hell didn’t I hold my baby girl, she will never know the feel of her mama’s arms around her…

Needless to say, it was a very “pity me” sort of weekend. It wasn’t until one of my very good friends simply said “You have to find peace with it because I know in your heart you have so much love for her…” when I realized how true that is. I could spend the next 50 years playing the woulda, shoulda, coulda game…but it won’t change the outcome. Had I felt better if I had held her? Now… maybe, but at the time that would have shattered my already broken heart into a million irreparable pieces. My baby girl knew me, she knew my love for her and she knows that we will continue to love her always.

It has been a few days, and I still get teary eyed thinking back on this past weekend and the past 2 years, and I know that will never change.  I will always get teary eyed, I will feel hopeless and cry from time to time and I will feel happy and blessed with the beautiful healthy baby girl that we have now. Talk about a rollercoaster – and one that you never wanted to be on in the first place.

Hug your loved ones, tell them how you feel, show them you care. Give them the best gift the world has to offer…love. Life is too short for non-sense and hate. Accept yourself for you who you are, and the world for what it is.

Happy Tuesday, friends.

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2 thoughts on “rollercoaster

  1. The love we hold in our hearts for Deidre and Amelia will always burn strong and bright. And from time to time we will fall into tears and we will think of the what ifs and the why didn’t I do that. If I could go back I’d change a million things. At least from the standpoint of how I handled everything. I know I can’t go back but I know she looks down on us and blesses us with the strength to move forward while always having a place for her in our hearts. I know that I’m still not strong everyday but I know she is helping us get stronger. And don’t worry D I always give your little sister an extra kiss for you. And I’ll, keep a good watch on mama too.

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